Helping or Hurting

Introduction: Where do you draw the line between a co-dependent relationship and a co-operative relationship? In other words, can we be doing more harm than good when we try to “HELP” our friends and family? Since we are all in this boat together, let us discuss the different sides to this dilemma.

Have you ever had a LOVED one or friend that had a chemical dependency? Relational dependencies? Self worth insufficiencies? A Lacking of masculine or feminine affirmation? What about a lack of acceptance and affirmation in Christ….a need that only Jesus Christ can meet? What do you do? How can you help? What about chronically bad decisions that lead to major hardships?

How do you handle it when this loved one turns to you even though they did not obey the promptings of the Holy Spirit of God? Should we love unconditionally? Show “Tough” love? But how? When? What should we do or say? Should we Say, “I told you so!”

Should we be compassionate by remembering that there we go, yet by the “GRACE of God”? Where does the Bible give any insights?

“A man of great wrath shall suffer punishment: for if thou deliver him, yet thou must do it again.” (Prov 19:19)

A, B, C’s to codependencies and things we cannot fix.

A’s…

1. Acknowledge we cannot CONTROL everybody.

“Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. 6In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” (Prov 3:5,6)

2. Acknowledge we cannot FIX everybody.

“Now his elder son was in the field: and as he came and drew nigh to the house, he heard musick and dancing. 26And he called one of the servants, and asked what these things meant. 27And he said unto him, Thy brother is come; and thy father hath killed the fatted calf, because he hath received him safe and sound. 28And he was angry, and would not go in: therefore came his father out, and intreated him. 29And he answering said to his father, Lo, these many years do I serve thee, neither transgressed I at any time thy commandment: and yet thou never gavest me a kid, that I might make merry with my friends: 30But as soon as this thy son was come, which hath devoured thy living with harlots, thou hast killed for him the fatted calf.” (Luke 15:25-30)

Look out for an “ELDER” brother spirit!

3. Acknowledge we need our Lord’s WISDOM and GRACE to deal with difficult circumstances.

“9For this cause we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to desire that ye might be filled with the knowledge of his will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding; 10That ye might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God; 11Strengthened with all might, according to his glorious power, unto all patience and longsuffering with joyfulness.” (Col 1:9-11)

4. Acknowledge some situations are a “NO WIN” situations.

“3And he said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me. 24For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: but whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it.” (Luke 9:23,24)

B’s…

1. Be CAREFUL not to get set up for a trap!

“Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. 8For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting.” (Gal 6:7,8)

2. Be CAUTIOUS in your relationships!

“5See then that ye walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise, 16Redeeming the time, because the days are evil. 17Wherefore be ye not unwise, but understanding what the will of the Lord is.” (Eph 5:15-17)

3. Be Spirit – Filled in your approach!

“And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.” 

“And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit.” (Eph 4:30; 5:18)

4. Be on GUARD that you don’t become BITTER!

“26Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: 27Neither give place to the devil.”

“Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice.” (Eph 4:26, 31)

5. Be AWARE of the Enemies strategy!

“For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: 4(For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) 5Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.” (2Cor 10:3-5)

6. Be ARMED with God’s ARMOR!

“10Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might. 11Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. 12For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. 13Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand…” (Eph 6:1-18)

7. Be PRAYERFUL and CAREFUL!

“6Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. 7And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” (Phil 4:6,7)

C’s…

1. COMMUNICATE clearly!

“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.” (Eph 4:29)

2. COMPROMISE your goals from trying to FIX everything and everybody!

“Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.” (1Pet 5:7)

3. COME back (step back) from being in the middle of the situation and focus on the BIG PICTURE!

“8For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. 9For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isa 55:8,9)

Conclusion: After almost 40 years of serving our Lord, there are some lessons and principles that this Pastor is learning. Listed are just a few of the ABC’s of dealing with co dependencies. Hope they are HELPFUL. Be encouraged. We are all in this BOAT together! Let’s let Jesus Christ be the CAPTAIN of our ship!
 
Love y’all,
Dr. Randy Reese